My spiritual life as of late has been mostly confusing, thats probably why I’ve been trying to avoid it. Near the end of the spring semester it had become really apparent to me that I had some serious pride issues in my life. So I prayed and asked God to give me humility. This, is of course, the prayer that God never delays in answering. So the last few months I feel like God has totally opened my eyes to at least a good chunk of the pride that is in my life.

Im disgusted with myself. Really, really disgusted.

Pride is so tricky. I used to think that pride wasn’t one of my biggest struggles, I mean, I’ve struggled with viewing myself in a negative way, how could I be prideful. I suppose pride is everyone’s biggest struggle. Maybe I just wanted to pretend that I wasn’t prideful, whatever the case, it turns out I’m a fake.

I’m a dreamer. For most of my life I’ve had these dreams that I want to see become a reality. I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family. I want to plant a church on the reservation. I want to have a good job and make money. The problem is that I have been worshipping my dreams for most of my life. God has really been secondary to my dreams. In fact, God has been more like a magical charm that is supposed to help make my dreams come true. Everything that I do, well, I do it for me. When I serve, I serve so that I can feel good. Who knows, maybe someone will encourage me? When I love, I love to get loved in return. So, I guess Im not really a Christian because I love God, Im a Christian because I love me.

And this is why nothing makes sense to me anymore. There are lots of different lifestyles in America that are lived to fulfill the desires of the individual, Christianity just isn’t one of them. All throughout the Bible you have a God who is beckoning a people to worship Him above everything else. You have Jesus who is telling people that they can’t follow Him unless they hate everything else but Him. For all of my Christian life, I have been trying to use Christianity/God for my own gain. Like Paul says in Galatians, “God is not mocked, a man reaps what he sows”. For years I have had this foundation of pride and self-seeking tendencies. So I’ve been trying to cram God and His word into my idea of what the Christian life should be like. It isn’t working. At all.

Quite frankly, I’m tired of always being worried about myself. I wish I could live this life of total self-sacrifice that the bible seems to not only advocate, but demand. But I have no idea what that looks like. I have spent the last 20 years looking out for number 1. What does it feel like to totally empty yourself for God and those around you? Is there any joy in it?

Im aware that for a guy who has spent his whole life in church, these are really stupid questions. But Im just being honest with myself here. Living for myself is killing me. Maybe thats why Jesus gave us a better alternative: Killing ourselves so we could live for Him. I just wish I knew how.