I’ve been listening to a Rich Mullins song lately. It just hits me so incredibly hard each time I hear it. I think thats mostly cuz I feel like the words that Rich wrote and sang in this song perfectly describe the journey of my life, especially in these last few years I have been in Ames. I’ll post the lyrics and then elaborate on what they mean to me.

“Growing Young”

 

I’ve gone so far from my home
I’ve seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
‘Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding,
Bleeding and falling apart

 

And everybody used to tell me big boys don’t cry
Well I’ve been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young

 

I’ve seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I’ll tell you, it ain’t worth what it costs
And I remember my father’s house
What I wouldn’t give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much

 

And everybody used to tell me big boys don’t cry
Well I’ve been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms

 

And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child

 

‘Cause I’ve been broken now, I’ve been saved
I’ve learned to cry, and I’ve learned how to pray
And I’m learning, I’m learning even I can be changed
And everybody used to tell me big boys don’t cry
Well I’ve been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young

 

-by Rich Mullins

What can I say? I just really identify with this song. I feel like I have traveled so far from my home, from God. There are a lot of secrets I wish I had never known. I have been wondering if Jesus could have retold the story of the prodigal son to have the prodigal son demand the father’s inheritance and leave for the far-off country so that he could be a better Christian. I feel like thats my story of the last few years. At some point I decided to leave God’s side to strike out on my own to be a better Christian. Or maybe it’s that I had never really found “home” in the arms of God.

I look back at the last three years and I feel a sense of sadness about what I’ve lost. I used to have such passion for God. Lately, I haven’t had much passion. I used to have hope and dreams, some of which were inspired by God. But at some point I think I learned it was prideful and selfish to have my own hopes and dreams, that or it was just too painful when those hopes and dreams got crushed. Sometimes I think its appropriate to look back and mourn the loss of Godly dreams and innocence. I think right now, for me, is a time of mourning in a sense. Im just realizing that there are certain hopes and relationships and my life that may never be resurrected. Its painful to realize that you put your hope in something else besides God, and that it got you nowhere. Its painful to realize that you loved and cared about people, but you’ll never get that back.

But at the same time, I think its also important to look to the future and to have hope. The story of the prodigal son wouldn’t have been a good one if the prodigal son had just mourned his losses and never decided to return home. I love the line in the song where Rich says,

“And I remember my father’s house
What I wouldn’t give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much”

I think this is the place I’ve finally come to. The realization that there is NOTHING that will give me joy besides God. Today I was praying and I just asked myself this question: “What truly would make me happy?” I went through my standard set of responses, all of which the world would say are things that give us happiness. Wealth, marriage, sex, friendships, etc. As I sat there trying to convince myself those things would make me happy, I felt a hollowness inside of me. It finally hit me that none of that stuff will ever give me joy. Only God can make my life meaningful and joyful. I would be better off being single for the rest of my life and having God than to be married to the most beautiful, gracious woman and not have God.

I’m growing young. Its clear to me that the older I get the more I need to act like a kid. A kid who is completely mesmerized by their Dad, and wants to be just like Him. I’ve decided this is the only thing thats actually worthy of my time and energy.