So I before I begin this post allow me to make a few important disclaimers:
1) For those of you who were unaware I have stopped attending Stonebrooke/The Rock.
2) This blog entry and subsequent blog entries may contain my reflections on why I left GCM, and its possible some might find some or all of those thoughts offensive. I realize my blog is still listed on the Rock’s website, and its not my intent to offend people. However, blogging is a really good outlet for me, and I asked about a month ago to be taken off the Rock’s rss feed.
Ok, on to the blogging…
Its been about two months since I decided to leave GCM. I feel like one of those stress relievers. You know the ones that you squeeze and once you let go they slowly return to their normal shape? I feel like I’m starting to return to my normal shape. I’ve thought long and hard about the last three years: the good, the bad, and the impact of both of those on my life. In some ways I feel like I wasted three years. In other ways Im thankful for the lessons I’ve learned, even if they were really painful trials to go through.
A friend of mine told me recently that there are two types of Churches. One kind of church tries to force people into their mold of what they think a Christian should be like. The other type of church comes along side people and helps them realize how to reach their fullest potential in Christ. I feel like I was part of a social control movement. Looking back I can see how I gave up on a lot of my hopes and dreams, and even parts of my personality/character so I could fit in and be accepted by my community. While I’m sure that a lot of my immaturity was worked out of my system, I’m also sure that I threw away pieces of me that God gave me just to be in compliance. While its true that Christ bids us to come and pick up our cross and die to ourselves, I don’t think he wants us to be mindless servants with no personality or joy, and unfortunately, for me, I think thats what my time in GCM led me to become. Since the time I have left GCM I found myself regaining what I lost. Some of my old hopes and dreams, and some new ones too. Its been so refreshing to truly believe that anything is possible and God could actually use me to do great things! It fills me with such hope and excitement, some days I have a hard time containing it! Joy is such an essential part of a healthy Christian life, and I’m glad to see it return.
Looking back I think the number one motivator for me while I was in GCM was fear. I was afraid of my community being embarrassed or ashamed of me. I was afraid of being rebuked. I was afraid that no one respected me, liked me, or really wanted to be around me. This fear paralyzed me, and I think that when we react based on our fear we are a lot more likely to sin, and this is backed up by my experience. I found myself trying to adhere to all these strict systems of conduct. I failed miserably, over and over again. I think one of the biggest examples of this is the whole courting system that GCM embraces wholeheartedly. It seemed like the courting thing was pushed so hard to try and keep people from making mistakes in relationships with the opposite gender. But it seems to me that its not the method you use to find a spouse, but the person who is doing the searching. I think responsible, mature people will be responsible and mature if they are dating or courting. Immature people will be immature even if they are courting. I think the biggest problem I had with courting is that it encourages fantasies. Because inside the system of courting its inappropriate to really get to know the person of the opposite gender that you are attracted to, you just imagine what they are like. At least this is what I did. I really just wanted to spend time with that person and get to know them, but that wasn’t an option. And in the three years that I was attracted to them I was convinced that it was God’s will for us to be together, and looking back I see that I deceived myself. I wanted it so bad, I just lied to myself and after a while, I thought it was the truth. I understand there is a good principle with the whole waiting aspect. But waiting years for a relationship adds way more tension to community life than is necessary. About a month after I left the Rock and had finally decided to give up on the attraction that I had, I met this amazing girl at a party my sister had at her new apartment. I was really attracted to her, and she was really attracted to me. We were honest with each other about our feelings and now we are dating. Were getting to know each other, and having a lot of fun doing it. I didn’t go through screeners or ask 5 of my leader’s permission. I prayed about it and asked her. It was so…easy. And it seems pretty clear to me that it is God bringing us together. It all reminds me of this passage in Colossians 2:
20Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21″Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
I think this really sums up my experience. I was trying to follow all these rules and please all these people, but it resulted in me sinning…a lot. Granted, that sin was deep inside of me and needed to be exposed. But my point is that things like courting have no value in restraining sin, they are just man made systems, which may work for some. But what works for everyone is grace, which God gives freely.
And thats why I’m remembering how to smile. I’m remembering how to accept grace. I’m not worried about being a perfect leader, or trying to impress the girl I’m attracted to. I’m not afraid. I feel such freedom to be who I really am and to let God change my heart. I truly feel like God could actually use me, and whats more, that He wants to use me. Im not telling God what He can and can’t do with my life based on my narrow agendas, I’m simply asking Him what He wants me to do, realizing that it could be anything. And its filling me with such a peace and freedom that I haven’t felt in such a long time.
TJ, I’m sorry you had such a hard time. However, and I hope you’ll forgive me for pointing this out, but many of you past entries contesting some point of doctrine have resulted in you admitting to a misunderstanding not a wrong-doing. Although we are not perfect either.
To some extent I agree that we go overboard with offering up potential dating protocol. And in many of the stories I’ve heard over this I’ve said “wait… they both liked each other for about a year!?… and they ended up together anyway!?… so why didn’t they start seeing each other right away?”, to which I’ve come to understand that there were many things that God was working on for each of them in the interim. I’m not sure you can explain the significantly lower divorce rate by simply saying excessive legalism. Still, with calling people to make convictions about righteous living I can see how easily it is to fall into law-oriented-thinking. I know because I’ve stumbled a number of times before I started looking to God for how to see my life.
I’ve also come to understand that Paul did make some rules that were solely to combat the culture where they were, in order to emphasize certain biblical truths and to set themselves apart. The head covering was because those not wearing that were typically of the temple prostitutes and not wearing it would mean not showing deference to their husbands. I sometimes have trouble reconciling this with “he who does these things will live by them”, but God is still working with me on this. Maybe you have some thoughts?
Also, I hope you’ll consider 1 Cor 6:12 and 8:9-10.
By: steveoho on November 6, 2007
at 5:11 am
TJ, I know that even for being neighbors, we don’t see each other very often. Fact is, I don’t see very many people very often, and I love having you guys as neighbors–I really respect you guys and think you are just great people. I really feel fortunate to have you guys as neighbors! That said, after seeing this post last night, it’s been what’s been on my mind for the past 24 hours.
It’s tempting to leave my “advice”, but I don’t think that’s what’s called for here.
Brother, I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time and that you’ve been feeling a lot of pressure and fear. I consider myself “GCM” and I’m sorry for any way I may have contributed to this. I really think that we are all so wounded and just bleeding all over the place and that any where you go, you’re going to find yourself covered in a bunch of blood (yours, other people’s, and Jesus’). We are just a mess! And I think that all we can really do as humans is try to come alongside on another in our bloody, broken mess, and try to point one another towards Jesus.
So, I’ll just be praying that you continue to feel God’s peace in increasing measure through knowing Him more. One of my favorite verses ever since I accepted Christ is John 14:6 “I am the way and the truth and the life…” Whenever I feel lost or confused I remember this verse and I’m like “oh yeah, Jesus is the way.” And I’ll mention that Mike and I pray through our junk basically every day– so if the fear or enslavement creeps back up again, and you’re wondering how some neighborly folk handle stuff like that, feel free to e-mail, call, stop by.
Oh, and your girlfriend is cute and super friendly. Thanks for introducing her to us!
By: Jackie on November 7, 2007
at 2:29 am
Hey Guys, thanks for the responses. Let me make a general clarification first. I hope no one felt personally attacked by this blog post, I know it was loaded. I love you guys and a ton of other people I met while a part of GCM, my intent was more to communicate my differing opinions/beliefs in regards to certain ideas and attitudes I experienced in GCM.
Steve- In regards to the misunderstanding issue, you are correct, I have said that it was just a misunderstanding in my previous blog entries. I think I just really wanted to believe that I thought GCM is a good church body, just not a good fit for me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I wasn’t being truthful about what I really thought. The best way to describe my experience is that I felt very controlled and manipulated while in GCM, its hard to explain, I just remember there being a lot of times when I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown because I was dealing with so much fear and bitterness. I also think there is this general attitude that drawing closer to God means your life is going to be miserable because God is going to inflict a bunch of pain on your life to draw you closer to Him. While God does bring hard circumstances into our lives from time to time, I think He also desires to bring a lot of joy into our lives as well, and I never really experienced much joy while a part of GCM.
As far as the combatting culture issue. While I think an extreme model of courting might turn some people’s heads, I think men and women being able to interact with each other in a loving and responsible way will speak much, much louder about how awesome God is. My experience was that girls didn’t really want to interact with the guys, and even if they did, there was so much tension that it was impossible to have real relationships with each other.
To sum up my thoughts I guess this is what I’m saying: Laws/Rules can be helpful in helping us to know what is right and wrong, but grace is what enables us to live in the spirit and to display the fruits of the Spirit. To emphasize the rules and not grace I think is a dangerous mistake.
By: tjlyttle on November 7, 2007
at 4:14 pm
Jackie-
Thanks so much for your thoughts! I hope you know that I seriously do love you and mike. Even though they are somewhat infrequent, I love hanging out and talking with you and mike, I have a lot of respect for you guys. And you are absolutely correct, we ARE all wounded and our woundings affect those around us. I guess in my experience the thing that distinguishes GCM from other church movements is that I felt such an enormous pressure to be perfect that I didn’t feel like it was ok to be myself, or that grace was readily available to me. Once again, I think these are attitudes and ideas within the church at large, because there were times that individuals within the church (i.e. you, mike and others) were encouraging to me. This blog was really more me just venting and getting my thoughts out, I’m not really ready to condemn GCM across the board as not doing God’s will, and I think that would be absurd. I know that GCM is doing some good things, its just that since I’ve left GCM I’ve discovered that life is so beautiful and God wants to use all of us, and thats not a drudgery, its the most exciting and joyful part of life. And I hope even those that are called to be in GCM will experience that joy and peace, because I know God wants us to live in that.
By: tjlyttle on November 7, 2007
at 4:23 pm
With the culture issue I was more talking about using those “rules” of Paul’s as a means not to say “hey we’re Christians” to the outside, but rather to themselves to reinforce their own identity in Christ. If anybody abides in Christ they will naturally stand out to those around them.
“Laws/Rules can be helpful in helping us to know what is right and wrong, but grace is what enables us to live in the spirit and to display the fruits of the Spirit. To emphasize the rules and not grace I think is a dangerous mistake.”
I would agree and I’ve had my fair share of headaches and disagreements with others over this. However, verses like Romans 14:13-23 help me to understand that not everybody has the faith to live completely free from “I’m good because I…” sort of attitudes (in fact I’d say none of us have or will completely achieved that). It might be that the Rock has more of this than the average church as I believe that we also have more damaged people. Still the bible does say that what they do they do it to the lord and that it would be unloving to cause them to stumble.
The second part of this is there are no such dating rules in the Rock. There is a strong push to keep dating Christ focused (as the “rule” thing with the Corinthians I mentioned), and perhaps with the crowd we have there is a higher propensity to view these as and act on them as rules, but they aren’t nor should they be. That is why it says in Romans 14 “Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil.” And to do that I’d a person needs love and to consider Matthew 7:3-5. If you’d like I can share a few personal stories of my own in this area.
By: Steve O on November 7, 2007
at 8:20 pm
Butting in where I’m not invited, but this topic is dear to me.
Christ died for the church. There is no perfect church, yet Christ died for it. He loves the church. And that means local churches. Instead of being like Christ, we tend to focus on ourselves and what we want the church to do for us instead of what we’re commanded to do for the church and the brethren. We tend to be consumers, which is what you sound like, not that you don’t have some legitimate concerns. I don’t mean to be ungentle, but the word is clear that we’re to die for the brethren, like Christ did, regardless of what we perceive to be their failings. So, I’m wondering, why all the angst? What’s so hard to understand?
What’s hard is obeying. As Josh Harris says in “Stop Dating the Church”:
“Going away (leaving a church) is easy. Do you want to know what’s harder? Do you want to know what takes more courage and what will make you grow faster than anything else? Join a local church and lay down your selfish desires by considering others more important than yourself.” (Page 60-61)
Sorry. But that’s the Word of God. So, if you want to leave your old church, then leave. And go serve somewhere else. But stop critiquing/judging others, give up the bitterness and let them serve God as best they know how.
And stop talking to divisive disgruntled types (Romans 16:17) who populate the Decommissioned message board. Lots of bitter people there are unable to give up the past and looking for affirmation.
By: Dan B. on November 15, 2007
at 11:38 pm
Dan-
You started off your comment by saying that “this topic is dear to me” and then you proceeded to make some pretty severe assumptions about me. It seems to me, at least in this instance, that this topic is more dear to you than seeking to love and understand me, a brother in Christ. Which ironically is similar to what you accused me of, not loving and laying down my life for my brothers and sisters in Christ.
By: tjlyttle on November 16, 2007
at 3:16 am
Love isn’t the same as being nice or coddling someone’s feelings. Love is telling the truth in gentleness. I’m just sharing the truth with you bro, at least so far as it appears to me.
Maybe that’s part of the problem. People have lovingly shared truth with you in the past and you’ve taken offense at that.
By: Dan B. on November 16, 2007
at 4:56 pm
I want to clarify, that while I have no idea who Dan B is–he is certainly not Dan Bovenmyer…FYI…
By: dbovenmyer on November 17, 2007
at 3:36 am
Dan B- I don’t know if you realize how insulting your comments are. I’m having a hard time thinking of anything edifying to say, so I’m just going to step back from our conversation.
By: tjlyttle on November 18, 2007
at 1:12 am
“Maybe that’s part of the problem. People have lovingly shared truth with you in the past and you’ve taken offense at that.”
Teege, DanB may be acting like a dick about this, and he has no relationship with you, so it’s easy to feel very justified in writing him off. Also, he is just straight-up making assumptions, which is wrong. But on this point, his assumption definitely makes an ass out of both of you, because he’s right.
You said so eloquently that I “love you with a fist” once – right around the point in life where I had just paid for your previous semester of college (which you so kindly flunked out of anyway), you’d been in conflict with literally everyone in Linden team, and I’d been working practically 24/7 to clean up after your insecure “sense of humor”, your blog posts which resemble the above, and your lack of grace and patience for the Church in general. Can you think of a time when I shared a hard truth with you and you took it well?
You’ve nearly wholesale rejected the advice that I gave you in the last few years, and you call the last few years we spent together a waste so many times in the last few weeks. You are blind to how you’ve grown during that time – in spite of the pain and frustration. If anyone can complain about GCM, Teege, I can. I’m moving on, and I wish you would too.
You have so much potential and such a bright future ahead of you. Stop looking back and embrace what can be. Don’t worry about this DanB prick. He doesn’t know you, and has no business here.
DanB – I meant that. You’re a prick.
By: Nate on November 19, 2007
at 2:02 pm
Nate-
Your right. Like totally right. My first reaction is to usually make excuses and try and wiggle my way out of being in the wrong. But I can’t this time, your absolutely right. Thank you for being honest with me.
By: tjlyttle on November 20, 2007
at 12:35 am
wow, guys. please, let’s let our speech be seasoned with grace! no matter how wrong or mean we believe someone to be let’s try to remember that it’s so hard to judge the emotion and heart behind the written word and that we need to treat each other with love and respect no matter what. especially fellow Christians, boys. wow. the name calling really just breaks my heart…
By: ambre on November 21, 2007
at 5:47 pm
I feel compelled to respond. I’ve been holding my tongue for days. I’m not sure it’s my place to, though.
I do want to mention, though, that aside from Nate’s involvement with support raising, you’ve never encountered GCM. Stonebrook is a GCC church, which is a separate, though related entity.
What this says to me is that you are under attack. You’ve been infected with lies, probably picked up from the decommissioned blog, and it is clouding your view.
Remember too, that The Rock and Stonebrook is the “GCM” you are railing against here. And The Rock and Stonebrook are the people that you love. It is not an institution. However, it may be a culture, and I will not deny that there are glimmers of truth in your accusations. It is a culture that is in need of change, and I daresay, is changing. We need you around to continue to be a force for that change.
I have much more to say. I will leave it here.
Okay. Just one more thing.
Dan B. is a brother. He’s been around our church (and others) longer than you or I have been alive. He is older and wiser than us. And he is dead on correct with his comments. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings. It may have been bad timing (or, timing and lack of relationship) though. Nate is correct above, except that I don’t see the prickishness.
I love you, man. I miss you being around.
By: Matt Heerema on November 22, 2007
at 1:24 am
Matt-
Thanks for the comment. I know Dan B. mentioned it as well as you, but I don’t really think the decommissioned site is really influencing its been several months, i think almost a year since I’ve visited the website, that was back when they had a wordpress site, and I don’t think they have that anymore.
I also thought what Dan B. said was correct, in the sense that it was generally good advice. I just don’t think it was correctly applied to me, because I wasn’t just on the sidelines waiting for a better church, etc. I tried to get involved the best I knew how, and I did commit to stonebrooke. If I hadn’t committed to the Rock it wouldn’t have been hard to leave, and leaving has been very difficult for me. So I’m not just a guy who is trying to be critical of everything, well maybe I am..Anyways, my problem is that I really tried to get involved and become an active part of what was going on, but for whatever reason, it just didn’t work out, and it left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I know its easy to just blame decommissioned or assume the person who is bringing up complaints against GCM/GCC/etc is just being devisive or critical, but I think people, such as myself, do have valid things to say, and I think the church does itself a disservice when it chooses to ignore those points of view. Having said that I’m young, I’ve been through some painful circumstances and am probably not seeing with total clarity.
Oh, and be sure to read my latest blog, I think it brings a nice balance to this, umm, well negative post.
By: tjlyttle on November 22, 2007
at 1:55 am
Yah, I read your latest post before I commented on this one.
And I think you’re right. You definitely weren’t church shopping. You definitely weren’t sitting on the sidelines just taking pot-shots. You were deeply involved (or tried to be). I’m curious as to why you feel it didn’t “work out”.
I for one am not simply dismissing your comments. I think there is a lot to learn from people who feel the need to leave. But I also feel that those who feel the need to leave have a lot to learn. If that makes sense?
I, for one, have been pining for something different, something better, for about a year now as well. I’m just not sure I will find it anywhere. I’m an idealist, I know, but I feel like I’m supposed to stick around and be a pain in the neck about things that need changing.
By: Matt Heerema on November 26, 2007
at 12:37 am
“I, for one, have been pining for something different, something better, for about a year now as well. I’m just not sure I will find it anywhere. I’m an idealist, I know, but I feel like I’m supposed to stick around and be a pain in the neck about things that need changing.”
I can completely relate to what you said there, Matt. The breaking point for me was when I realized that I was changing for the worst, and I wasn’t making things better. It’s one thing to be miserable, but persevere because you know you’re accomplishing something truly worthwhile for the Kingdom. It’s another thing to be miserable and realize that you’re becoming someone you never wanted to be, and your family is in poverty, and you’re not really accomplishing anything lasting for the Kingdom. That’s a good time to move on. I’ve definitely got a lot to learn, and re-learn now.
By: Nate Swinton on November 27, 2007
at 1:30 pm
Teege, I love you, you’re a brother and a friend, and come hell or high water, I’ll still love you.
By: Alex on November 27, 2007
at 5:51 pm
Hey TJ, just wanted to say that I wasn’t posting out of anger or hostility. I truly intended what I said for your benefit and that of others.
That’s not to say that I’m not a prick. “Ich bin ein prick,” to paraphrase JFK. My one consolation is that God sometimes uses pricks — like Jeremiah, John the Baptist and even Jesus, at times — to get his point across.
Keep pressing!
“Consider him who endured hostility from sinful men so that you might not grow weary and lose heart.” — Hebrews 12:3
By: Dan B. on December 3, 2007
at 6:26 pm