In John 21, Jesus asks Peter a very straight-forward yet simple question. That question is: “Do you love Me”? I think that so often we hear that Jesus loves us that we rarely ask ourselves, “Yah, but do I love God??” And even if we do ask ourselves that question, or if someone else were to ask us that question, we immediately respond with an emphatic “Yes! Of course!”. I mean, how could you consider yourself a Christian and not love God?! Lately I have been asking myself that question, and I have been allowing myself to think beyond the sunday school answers I have grown up with. And the terrifying thing to me is that I don’t really think I love God all that much. And I wonder how many of us who have grown up in Church are mistaking “loving God” for something else, that is in fact, not really love.

Growing up I never really had a close relationship with my dad till I left for college and came back. My Dad is an excellent provider, always has been. I always had everything I needed and often times just things that I wanted. I think that I have related to God is simply a provider for most of my life. So as long as God is providing for me (that is, according to what I think provision should look like in my life) than I “love” God. I sing songs, I pray, I read my bible. But as soon as it seems to me that God isn’t really providing for me, then I throw a spiritual fit. I stop praying, I stop reading the Bible and I stop singing. Ive come upon that harsh reality that this is not loving God, its capitalism. Capitalism in the purest sense rewards those who work hard. I do therefore I receive. So really what this boils down to is that I think God owes me for my hard work. Ive waited 5 years for a woman to marry. I think that due to that fact, I deserve to have a wife. This is horribly wrong because God does not work in a capitalistic sort of way. The Bible is really quite clear that God is our Father. Anything I have in my life is the direct result of God giving me good gifts. You can’t earn gifts, you just have to wait patiently for them and receive them with eagerness.

I’ve been told that loving and serving God is the best thing for my life. So essentially for most of my Christian life I have been trying to serve and love God. Not because I really love God, but because I want the best for me. So really, I’ve just been using God as a means to an end.

I think there are those parts of the Bible that when we read them we try to rationalize away. For some reason God was talking about a certain situation that doesn’t really apply to us as individuals. Or sometimes we might just skip over those parts that make us uncomfortable. I think one of the most uncomfortable things about the Bible is that God seems to want control over all of my life. I think I have been trying to barter with God for most of my life. “Ok God, I’ll go on a church plant, but only if I get married, have a really good job and can be a respected leader.” I’m at this fork in the road right now. Up to this point I have been trying to live the Christian life to better myself. But following Christ demands that I “lose my life”. So I find myself faced with two possible choices. Either my life is really all about me and I should just devote myself to raw carnality and chasing after all my desires. Or, my life is really God’s, all of it, and I should devote myself to God’s plans and desires and should consider my ambitions and desires “rubbish”. Clearly the first choice isn’t even really an option for me, and I really want the 2nd option to be a reality, but a lot of me wants to hold on to control of my life. So Im faced with Jesus call to forsake everything and follow Him. I think its funny that I convince myself that I understand Jesus’ teachings and that they are really aimed at spiritually immature people (as if Im mature), only to find out that Jesus words have everything to do with my life right now, even at this very minute.

If I’m honest with myself, at this point in life I don’t think I love God the most. I love my dreams more than God, I even love some sin more than God. But thankfully I also know that my ability to love God is not dependent on me. I also know that God is carrying me onto completion. I think that as a 23 year old male who tends to think that he is really important and worthy of attention, I just need to have the humility to let God carry me.

At the Rock tonight I showed a video of our trip to Rosebud. I thought I would also post it on my blog so more people could see it. So here it is! Those of us that went on the trip are prayerfully considering whether or not we can/should commit to adopting the town of Upper Cut Meat. This would consist of taking a few trips during the course of the year, and a lot of letter writing/phone calls, etc. If this interests you at all or if you have questions/would like to know more about the trip, please let me know! 

So the last few weeks I have been “fasting” from blogging so to speak. I’m temporarily breaking that fast because there are some things that have been raging in my heart that I need put words to. This post isnt about anyone or anything but me, so no need to worry about directly or indirectly being attacked

For the last few months we have been going through the gospel of Mark in the Rock. I’ve noticed a trend that has really been impacting my life. It seems to me that there are two kinds of people in the gospels, those who could follow Jesus, and those who couldn’t. I know, I’m captain obvious, but stick with me here. There were people who responded to Jesus with humility and were able to follow Him. (By “follow” Him, I mean a Luke 14 type of following Jesus). But then there were people who just couldn’t follow Jesus in this way, in fact they were actually opposed to Jesus. We typically refer to these people as the pharisees. In looking at the gospel narratives, I see this trend that forces people to either follow Jesus or be opposed to Him, that is that the people with an agenda were unable to follow Jesus. The pharisees had an agenda of power. The rich young ruler had an agenda of wealth. There are other examples of this. The point is, the people who were able to follow the best were the ones who came to Jesus with no agendas.

I have so many different agendas. I have an agenda to get married someday. I have an agenda to be a strong, respected leader. I have an agenda to make money. I have an agenda to be a really trendy Christian that can’t be labeled or even associated with mainstream Christianity. And because I have all these agendas (and others that I didn’t list off as well I’m sure) I have been spending most of my Christian life trying to fit Jesus inside the constraints and confines of my agendas. So when it seems to me that God is making my agendas into a reality, I love God. I worship Him, I read the Bible, I pray. But when it seems God isn’t helping me to achieve my agendas I don’t love God. I don’t read the Bible, I don’t pray and I don’t sing. I’m like a 2 year old who throws a fit every time he doesn’t get a candy bar in the grocery store.

The simple fact of the matter is that Jesus isn’t interested in my agendas. And He sure as heck isn’t going to allow me to be so deluded as to think that He will play 2nd fiddle to my agendas. I think we as American Christians tend to look at the pharisees and wonder how they could be so stupid. But I think the only difference between me and them is that through years of sunday school, church and christian school I know that I’m supposed to follow Jesus. The pharisees didn’t have that little tidbit of information. I don’t really think there is any difference between me trying to fit God into my agenda of marriage or leadership and the pharisees trying to fit Jesus into their power schemes.

So I’m trying to give up my agendas to God, but  its really difficult because I hate not being in control. Also, I feel like with all the hard work and perseverance I have put in these last few years, God owes me some favors. I know that’s terrible, but I think it develops from this train of thought that I think many of us fall into. We often hear how following and submitting to God is the best thing for us. I have heard this for most of my life, but I think that has taken the emphasis off of loving and serving God and put it on “what is best for me”. It is best for me to follow God turns into “what is best for me?”. And after awhile, it becomes painfully clear that God’s best for me is really hard to attain, and to me it seems that what is best for me is what is easiest for me, and then I binge on sin for awhile, until I try and convince myself that I need to pursue what is best for me, which I remind myself is following God. To be honest, I think I just need to love and serve God and not worry about if it is the best thing for me.

Right now I am a pharisee. I have tried to fit Jesus into my agendas. I hope that someday I can be a zaccheus, a woman at the well or anyone else in the gospel narrative who followed Jesus not because it was “the best thing for them”, but because they loved Jesus and would do anything for Him, regardless of how it affected them.

There are really so many things I feel so strongly about. I have tried to use this blog as a medium to persuade others that some of the things I feel strongly about are worth considering. While I think has happened to some degree, I have also noticed a consistent trend of unintentional divisiveness.

My spiritual task for this stage of my journey is clear: I must learn to love and serve others and my church, even at the expense of my agendas. I feel that this blog is a hindrance to that. Not the only hindrance, but one of many. Over these next few months I am going to attempt to really humble myself and to embrace the visions and desires of others. Who knows, in a while, I may blog about how God has changed my heart. But for now, I feel that communication in this medium/arena should cease, if only for a little while.

I might return to this blog, I might not. If I do return, I hope its as  Christian who embraces servanthood and unity, not agendas and pride.

Thank you and good night.

In my last post I rambled on and on about how I have felt something has been missing for most of my life. I think I have discovered why that is. I am postmodern, and I have routinely found myself in modern churches. I think this simple insight explains a lot about why I am often so dissatisfied with church. I’ll touch on just a few examples.

The church service. With the exception of open mic sundays I can recall maybe 3 or 4 sunday mornings that actually encouraged/challenged me within the last 3 years. This is why I still after all these years I’ve been going to church, really don’t want to go to church. Postmoderns tend to be more interested in asking questions than finding answers. There is this experience that comes with wrestling through tough questions that satisfies me. That is also another key component of being postmodern, postmoderns tend to value experience more than fact. So whereas the modern church puts a high value and emphasis on facts and answering questions, the postmodern church puts more emphasis on asking questions and the experience that results from asking those questions. This explains why my favorite sermons are always the ones that make me ask questions after I hear it. I think the Rock/Stonebrooke attempts to answer people’s questions through its meetings/services. This isn’t wrong, its just different. I think I have criticized the Rock/Stonebrooke for being in error on certain things, and they weren’t in error, they were just on a different operating system so to speak.

Like I mentioned above, as a postmodern, I really highly value experience. I don’t just want answers or facts, I want the experience of following Christ. So when I come to a church service or Friday night rock (or wednesday night Rock) I want to experience God and community. In order to experience something, you have to be actively involved with it. I feel like one of the only ways to be actively involved in church is to give money. As far as worship is concerned, singing songs is great but it has its limitations. For one, few worship songs praise God in a way that feels naturally to me. It’d be like if you are married, and you want to tell your spouse how much they mean to you, but instead of telling them yourself, you borrow a married friends love letter to their spouse, and read it to your spouse. I think the best way to experience God in a Church service is to give, but due to the fact that our services are designed to answer questions, I feel that I don’t really have an avenue to give, and thus have an experience of God during a church service or Rock meeting.

I think the issue of modernity vs postmodernity also plays a part in my approach to evangelism. If you believe that if people just knew the right answers, then they would want to believe in Jesus, then cold turkey evangelism makes a lot of sense. But if you believe that people are seeking after an experience and are more interested in asking questions, than your approach would be different. I think the reason street evangelism has the baggage that it does today is that it is a modern evangelism technique that clashes with an increasingly postmodern culture.

So, because I am postmodern I am asking myself a lot of questions. Is it possible for me as a postmodern to flourish and live in unity inside a modern ministry/church? Is Ames more modern or postmodern, and how do we as a Church body adapt to that? Is it possible to have meetings and services that can connect with both moderns and postmoderns?

Allow me to say that I don’t think modernity or postmodernity is better than the other. They are just different. Its like trying to talk with someone who speaks a different language. You likely might be communicating the same thing, but because you speak different languages, you can’t really understand the other person or connect with them. Would anyone else out their label themselves as postmodern? Let me know what you guys think.

I think this post will probably be incoherent and non-sensical, so consider yourself warned. At any rate, I think for the last 4-5 years I have always felt this sinking feeling that there is something missing in my church experience. I really only go to church to be with my friends. Every once in a while I hear a good message that connects/convicts/challenges me, but I’ve really come to expect that I probably won’t get much from the service. I don’t know, maybe I have a really wrong attitude in wanting to receive from service, maybe I should attend church with the attitude that I want to give. But then again, there isn’t really much of an avenue for me to give, unless its money, which frankly I need to improve on vastly.

Church seems so consumeristic to me. I think the very format of a Sunday morning lends itself to me thinking that I need to be fed. I wish church was more interactive. If God is alive, and He lives inside of all of us, why does Church always feel so dead to me? And its not just Sunday morning church, but the Friday night Rock as well. I go, and I try to support it as best I can, but I still have this overwhelming feeling that things could be so much more fulfilling.

I feel like, maybe  in some ways, that we have put more trust in the production of church/ the Rock than we do in God, that God will make our meetings successful. If we could just have the band be totally excellent, that would draw people and create a meaningful worship time. If our speakers could deliver excellent messages that would really impact people and change their hearts. I feel like we strive so hard for excellence that we forget we are human, and we then come across as not genuine.

I feel like American Church has an answer for everything, even when we don’t really know the answer to a question. I think I’d rather be part of a community that had more questions than answers. I’m not advocating a weak theology or ignorance. I’m just suggesting that there are some things we can be certain of, but way more things that we can’t be, and I don’t think it would hurt to be honest with people and ourselves, and seek the answers together. I think every sermon I have heard for the last few years has had 3-5 practical steps for attaining spiritual maturity. I know what happens in my life is that I begin to trust the steps, and not Jesus, and I fail miserably. The times where I have really matured spiritually is when I had to really wrestle with some serious questions, and at times I didn’t find answers for several months. Then suddenly God spoke truth to me, and it set me free. I wonder if we deprive people of this experience by  having an answer for every question/problem.

I often wonder if our services distract people from God, which I think is the exact opposite of what we want to do. We fill empty space with loud music, speech and video. The world is filled with distractions, shouldn’t church be the one place people are forced to confront God in all of His glory? I would love to hear a message where the speaker asked a really hard question and didn’t give an immediate answer, so that the audience really had to wrestle with it, and could have really thought provoking conversation after the message. I would love to be in a worship service where we encouraged people to enter into worship quietly and reverently, because worshiping God isn’t the same as going to a rock concert, its a very intimate and holy thing, something that God has invited us to.

I have always felt a bit out of place here in Ames. By nature I am more contemplative and relational. I am very sensitive to these things. This post is just part of me trying to make sense of why things often feel out of place to me. I am just thinking out loud. I don’t think Church should cater to my needs and wants, because I am sure Church is probably very meaningful for other people, and I might just be really jaded and have a lot of wrong attitudes. But at the same time I really want to be able to get excited about Church and the Rock. I really want to be involved, and more importantly, to really desire to be involved with whats going on. Please feel free to dialogue with me about this stuff. I’m just trying to think through it all.

-end incoherent thought stream-

I would like to share a video with you. It is a report on a girl and her family who live in a town in Oklahoma who are atheists. The report is on how it has been hard on this young girl to go to the public school where a majority of the kids are “believers”. I would like to use this video as a discussion tool. First of all, I think this video illustrates rather well what I have been talking about as far as inconsistent ethics, sharing the gospel with mere words and not our whole lives. Secondly, just for the sake of this particular discussion I would ask you to put aside any agendas you might bring into this video and discussion. For a brief ten minutes, only focus on the condition of the people in this video. What emotions are stirred up within you? Is there injustice going on? How could the love of God be communicated in a holistic and life-giving way? Please watch the entire video and then give me your thoughts.

I’ve never liked the word theology. Whenever I hear the word it makes me cringe. In my mind theology has always represented old men who are really smart but who missed the point of the Gospel long ago. Theology to me has always meant endless debates on calvinism, the trinity and endless other issues that no one could really solve, and yet still causes division in the Church. I really didn’t want any part of theology as I understood it.

But lately I’ve come to see theology in a new way. I think that theology is knowing what God thinks about any given issue. Our culture is filled with lots of ideas. Democrats think we should raise taxes and that global warming will kill all of us. Republicans think that illegal immigration will destroy our nation and that tax cuts are what we need. Everyone in our nation has an opinion. I think that if we as the Church only have opinions then we have missed the point. Paul said this to Timothy in 1 Timothy 4:15-16:

 “15Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. 16Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.”

I’ve been thinking a lot  about this verse lately. I think that because often in Church we have adopted this mentality of just accepting people’s different ideas, we have allowed our theology to become mere opinions. And because our theology has degenerated into our own personal opinions, it has resulted in many inconsistent ethics.

A big misunderstanding I had about theology is that theology just concerned grand, lofty ideas that really had no practical bearing on my life. But I’m starting to realize that I think about many theological issues each day. One issue I think about constantly is that of evangelism. On a previous post I tried to communicate how I believe that often the way Christians go about evangelism is an example of an inconsistent ethic. I believe the Gospel is this amazing reality of a God who sent His only Son to redeem, rescue and rebuild a world that rebelled against Him. That gospel message is one of truth, hope and reconciliation. I believe (theologically, you might say) that to share the gospel in a way that is inconsistent with the gospel message is wrong. In the past I’ve said that it was just my personal preference. But really, I think I was too afraid to say what I really believe. I think most forms of street evangelism have an inconsistent ethic. I’ve seen many attempts at street evangelism which involve “tricking people into the kingdom”. Things like surveys, inviting people to a free concert (which is actually a worship event, with a sermon that follows) and etc don’t really seem to fit in with a Savior that declares to us and the rest of the world that He is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life”.

I think that the Church has voiced so strongly what it is against, people aren’t really sure what we are for. To be honest, I think I am guilty of the same thing. So what am I for? I guess what really gets me excited is seeing people move from oppression to freedom. I long for justice to replace inequality and evil. I think evangelism is one the biggest ways that freedom and justice can flood into a person’s life. But it won’t come by us forcing our morality or opinions on people. It comes from us laying our lives down as servants. It comes from listening to people before we prescribe a solution that probably won’t fit the situation. And all the forms of street evangelism that I have seen have lacked that key component of listening to people. Im not saying that its impossible to do street evangelism and genuinely listen to people, I’m just saying I have never seen a good example of it.

Our theology and doctrine is incredibly important because it is what makes us different. If we don’t know what God thinks about our world and the issues and problems within it, we are just like every other religious or political group who doesn’t really have a solution on how to alleviate suffering, poverty, racism, starvation and everything else that plagues our world. But we do have such a theology, and God has entrusted it to us. Not only are we taking a message of hope to people that so desperately need it, but we ARE that message of hope. The story of the Gospel hasn’t ended but it continues with us as God’s church. Lets closely guard the gospel, our theology and our lives, because they are inseparable.

I had a really frustrating situation happen this weekend. I am in the process of trying to dig myself out of debt. One of my biggest sources of debt is my student loans. Due to the fact that I have been trying to get caught up on utilities and rent, I haven’t been able to stay caught up on all my student loans. On friday I spoke with someone from US Bank’s student loan collections branch. She asked if I could make a payment for $440, which I told her I couldn’t, I could only spare $75-$100. This obviously wasn’t good and she told me to have a nice day. Saturday night I check my account online and I notice that I have a negative balance. My account had a withdrawal for $440. I called US Bank today and they flat out told me that they had taken the money from my account. But theres not really anything I can do. I was furious. I’ve worked really hard for that money, and just like that, its gone. Now I can’t pay my rent on time, and I don’t have enough to buy groceries like I was planning on. For most of the day I have extremely angry and I am planning on switching banks and doing everything I can so this never happens again. And then it dawned on me, I never have this reaction to sin…

Satan is a thief. He is a liar. He is always seeking to steal the goodness and perfection of God from my life. Jesus said that the thief “comes only to steal, kill and destroy”. Jesus also said that Satan was a murderer and liar from the beginning and there is no truth in him. Yet, the thing is, Satan can’t steal from me unless I let him. I’m a child of God and am protected by God. So Satan comes into my life, lies to me. He tells me that God can’t satisfy me, but he knows what can. I believe him, do what he suggests and then I sin. The joy, righteousness and intimacy I had with God has been stolen, and after lying to me, Satan turns around and starts condemning me for what he told me to do! Why am I not ever extremely ticked off about Satan stealing from my life, in ways that are much more significant than losing $400?! Somehow I just take it. I let him lie to me and tell me that God can’t provide for me. I let him tell me that there isn’t any joy in sharing the gospel. I let him tell me that its not worth it to submit to my leaders and spiritual family. And then when he breaks his promises, he tells me its my fault! I’m tired of Satan stealing from me and those around me that I love. I’m tired of just putting up with it.

Im beginning to wonder if Jesus was filled with a holy rage when He saw Satan stealing from people right and left. I wonder if it made Him even angrier to see that the pharisee’s were aiding Satan in stealing from people’s lives. Maybe thats why he healed people on the sabbath and drove people out of the temple. I think Jesus was the only person in the whole world who was able to keep Satan from stealing from Him. And the beautiful thing about the gospels, and about my life is that He is giving back what Satan has stolen from me. About a month ago, I was really struggling with lust and I begged God to give me a pure heart. Its been 3 weeks since I have lusted in the typical ways guys lust. I still have some lustful thoughts every once in a while, but I have been able to dismiss those right away and not dwell on them. And its not like in the past where I’ve had to constantly battle a really strong desire to lust, look at porn, or whatever. Im not entirely sure, but I don’t think I have a desire for porn anymore. I’m keeping my guard up and waiting to make a final call on that one I guess. But the point is, for the last decade, I have allowed Satan to steal my purity, but finally after a decade of sexual impurity, God is giving me my purity back. And every time I think about how I have been freed from that impurity, it makes me want to thank God with tears, and I do.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that the fact that we let Satan steal from us should make us furious. But it should also encourage us that we serve a God who restores what Satan tries to steal from us. Tim at the leaders meeting on Sunday night mentioned that God remembers every good thing we do, and He will reward us for that. I also read this in Hebrews 10:15-25:

 

“15 And the Holy Spirit also testifies that this is so. For he says, 16 “This is the new covenant I will make
with my people on that day,^[a] says the Lord:
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.”^[b]

17 Then he says,

“I will never again remember
their sins and lawless deeds.”^[c]

18 And when sins have been forgiven, there is no need to offer any more sacrifices.

19 And so, dear brothers and sisters,^[d] we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. 20 By his death,^[e] Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. 21 And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, 22 let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. 24 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. 25 And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.”

So not only does God remember all of the God-honoring things we do, He forgets our sins!! Our God is amazing! Satan is a murderer, liar and thief. But praise be to God, because He is the Author of life, He always speaks the truth to us, and He restores what Satan and sin steals from our lives. Truly, “let us go into the presence of God with sincere hearts, fully trusting Him”!

So as some of you had noticed, I had a blog about the “way of the Master” evangelism method that I posted and then later made into a private post. I feel it is necessary to apologize to everyone who reads this blog.

God created me to be a communicator. Words are very important to me and I find myself able to articulate myself well. I am always wanting to talk with people about what is going on in my life. Sometimes it would be more edifying for me and everyone else if I would wait to share what I am thinking through until I have completely given it up to God. I have very strong opinions and unless I give those opinions to God, I am just a noisy gong and my words are meaningless. Indeed, this is what happened with my last post. I feel so very strongly about relational evangelism, but because I was angry when I posted the blog I used some harsh, aggressive language. Therefore, the real message I wanted to communicate was canceled out by the way I communicated it.

What did I want to communicate? I wanted to communicate that I think God is wanting us to bring hope into a world that is lost, blind and confused. I think that it is possible that using the “way of the master” method to share the gospel can accomplish this. I would prefer to do it a different way. In my haste, in my mind, the two were mutually exclusive. They aren’t. I think that in whatever way God has gifted you to communicate the glory and beauty of God to the world, you should do it in that way. If its using the 10 commandments as a way for the Holy Spirit to convict people of sin and you do that with humility and grace, that is honoring to God. If its just sharing your testimony of how God is beautiful and your life has never been the same since you have experienced God’s beauty and you think they should experience God’s beauty as well, that is also honoring to God. I think God is honored when we worship and obey Him in the ways that are natural to us, based on how He has created us.

My problem has been that I decided at some point that I would be better off as a spectator, just criticizing those people actually in the game. Im like the guy in the stands of the baseball game who obnoxiously yells at the players and knows all the right ways to play the game. I want to apologize and ask forgiveness for always being critical of what stonebrook and the rock is doing and not just deciding to support my family. I want to apologize and ask forgiveness for using my words to cut down instead of unify and edify. I want to apologize and ask forgiveness for anybody I have offended through this post or any other post on this blog, resulting from my anger or emotional baggage.

I’m learning how to play nice. I’m learning how to be part of a family. I’m learning how to put other’s needs in front of my own. I’m learning how to communicate in way that is respectful, loving and gentle. I guess you could say I’m learning humility.